Sour Grapes

Apparently Australia did not lose to Ireland last weekend by being out-scrummaged, out-tackled, out-rucked, out-mauled and out-played. No, according to Tim Horan (aka Total Flanker Dunderhead of the Week) the Aussies lost because Ireland’s players deliberately feigned injury against Australia to slow down play.

Irish eyes are smiling...

... and the cat is most definitely amongst the pigeons!

Ireland 15 Australia 6 could be a hugely significant result in the overall context of the tournament. France will now be desperate to lose to New Zealand in their group match to ensure they stay in the Northern Hemisphere half of the draw, while South Africa will be kicking themselves for their comeback against the Welsh!

Altogether now - Alive, alive oh-oh!

Boofhead

It's official. Quade Cooper is a Boofhead. Whatever that may be.

According to the Australian ambassador to the world of rugby, Sir Nicholas Farr-Jones, Cooper is a "dope" for his baiting of New Zealand's Saint Richard of McCaw.

"Respect in sport is critical for success, and carrying on like a boofhead exhibits no respect. And it also shows arrogance, which has no place in the game," says Sir Nicholas.

Hear, hear.

Mind you, I still have no idea what a "boofhead" might be.

Congrats...

...to the Aussies.

In comprehensively beating the South African 3rd XV this weekend, not only did they manage to put behind them last week's hiccup against Samoa and get their Tri-Nations campaign off to a great start (does anyone care?), more significantly they also managed to reclaim the Raeburn Shield.

Next challenge: 6th August vs New Zealand.

Masterstroke

As far as managing expectations go, Australia coach Robbie Deans has pulled off something of a masterstroke.

Anyone getting carried away with the Queensland Reds winning the Super-Duper 15 was swiftly brought back down to earth after the Wallabies' 32-23 defeat to Samoa on Sunday.

All Deans has to do now is ensure his team capitulates to the Boks and the All Blacks in the coming weeks to ensure that the Wallabies are firmly established as underdogs for the World Cup and thus put into operation his fiendish masterplan.

Meanwhile, no one in Samoa is getting carried away with their victory. No one, that is, apart from Samoan Prime Minister, Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi who, in true bandwagon-jumping-politician style, makes the perfectly rational claim that Samoa can now win the World Cup.

In the Red

Well done to the Queensland Reds for their victory over the Crusaders in the final of the Super Duper 15. I'd wager that not many had the Reds down as potential champions at the start of the campaign.

I must admit that for some time now I've had a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach about the Aussies and the 2011 World Cup, a feeling that just got one heck of a lot bigger.

Could this victory for the Reds be the start of something big for Australia this year?

Grey is the new Black

Nuff said...

Element of Surprise

I really like Will Greenwood's suggestion about how England should approach today's game against the Aussies.

He proposes that, as soon as England have a restart, the forwards should form a scrum on the halfway line behind Toby Flood who should then kick the ball straight into touch. Then, as it dawns on the Australian pack what is about to happen, one of the England players might say: "Hello chaps, I know you are keen to run around today but first of all you will have to scrum and then remove your head from your backsides."

In fairness it might be England's best chance today. And it could all go horribly wrong if the Australian scrum holds up.

More here.

Dizzy

Having been confined to quarters for a few days with an inner ear infection and extreme vertigo (possibly one of the most unpleasant conditions I've ever had to endure), I found myself prostrate on my sofa yesterday taking in the first round of this autumn's internationals. Brief conclusions:

1. The Welsh had nothing to offer but their scrummage. The Australians had everything to offer but their scrummage. What on earth happened to the Australian scrummaging renaissance?
2. Ireland simply weren't in the game until Peter de Villiers made yet another round of prematurely rash substitutions. Will that clown ever learn?
3. If England are unable to execute simple overlaps they will never beat anyone of note.

I told you I'd be brief. Time for another lie down...

46 not out

In a week when I turned 46 to no fanfare whatsoever (too busy at work for starters), a few rugby stories caught my eye...

According to Paul Rees in the Grauniad, the IRB is investigating claims that Australian players were wired up to their coaches during the 2003 World Cup.

Although I believe that it is common practice in the NFL, for instance, that players are wired for sound (for example via miniature electronic earpieces stitched into headgear), it is strictly verboten in rugby. If true, however, this nefarious practice might explain the absurd phenomenon of backs wearing scrumcaps, something on which my views have previously been made known.

That said, a fat lot of good it did the Aussies in the final minute of the 2003 World Cup Final as "DROP GOAL, DROP GOAL, DROP GOAL, OH F**K" was screamed into the players' earpieces.

The other story of note was the scandalous decision by Saracens to send Steve Borthwick to the Munich Oktoberfest with the rest of the squad rather than requiring him to attend the launch of this season's Heineken Cup.

When I say 'scandalous' what I mean of course is 'brilliant'. Utterly unprofessional no doubt, but it's good to see that there are those that still appreciate the value of a few beers together and are not entirely in thrall to the corporate dollar (or, in this case, euro).

Finally, there was the astounding hold-the-front-page announcement by Chesham Rugby Club that it will be running a 3rd XV this season. With very few Vets fixtures planned this season the 3rd Xv may well turn out to be my only opportunity for rugby action this year. That said, my current state of fitness leaves something to be desired and, given the reported numbers at club training (which I have not yet experienced first hand, it must be said), there's a very real possibility that I wouldn't get a game anyway. C'est la vie.

I'm back!

Hola Amigos - I'm back from my hols tanned (aka burnt), relaxed and looking forward to getting back to work (not).

While I gather myself and summon up the energy to resume blogging, here's evidence that at least a few Australians know the words to their national anthem...

Rugby IS dangerous

I know it's Rugby League, and Australian Rugby League at that, but I was gobsmacked by the recent story about a rugby league player in Melbourne being banned for life for taking a KNIFE onto the field during a match in Victoria.

After a rough tackle which sparked a brawl in a match between Chaffey Titans and Mildura Tigers, a certain Kava Lumanuvao retrieved a knife from his car before returning to the field.

Fortunately he was disarmed by his coach and Titans teammates and nobody was injured but I can't help but think that by getting banned from the game for life he got away lightly.

Another drink in the Last Chance Saloon

Just what is it with the England rugby team? Just like their round-ball counterparts currently muddling through in South Africa, it seems as if it takes a major crisis before they can summon up the effort and nous to produce a decent performance.

By all accounts (I didn’t see it) England’s victory over the Aussies in the 2nd Test in Sydney last Saturday was impressive. It was also fairly significant in that wins away from home in the southern hemisphere have a rarity value that is worth celebrating.

Don’t listen to those Aussies who point to the fact that their 1st choice front row was missing – so was England’s, arguably, and all it shows is that we have the far greater scrummaging depth.

What is disappointing, though, is that it took an utterly dire effort in the 1st Test to shock the England players into performing properly one week later. And, let’s face it, the team does have a recent track of having to redeem itself after truly shocking displays. World Cup 2007 anyone?

So, for those who say that Martin Johnson’s England have finally turned a corner, a word of warning – it’s what’s around the corner that counts.

2-0

England's tour down under is proving to be a huge success...for England's legal team.

So far England have had two players cited and have had both cases dismissed. Lock Dave Attwood, cited for two stamping offences after last week's encounter with the Aussie Barbarians, had his charges thrown out on technical grounds (England pointing out that the Aussie citing commissioner was hardly neutral), while winger Mark Cueto was found not guilty having been cited for a dangerous tackle on Berrick Barnes during Saturday's Test.

So, brilliant work by the English legal beagles puts us 2-0 up against the Aussie citing system and they now have another chance to continue their magnificent run of form after Matt Banahan was charged with the offence of a "lifting tackle" (again on Barnes) in today's game against the Barbarians in Gosford.

What's equally impressive is England's ability to pick up a citing in every game. If only their rugby was that consistent.

Best team I ever saw?

During my recent self-indulgent nostalgia trip back into the eighties I got to thinking about the best rugby football team I ever saw.

Before I go on, I hereby acknowledge that attempting to judge the merits of teams from different eras is fraught with difficulty being, by its very nature, entirely subjective. There have, after all, been a number of outstanding rugby teams during the decades in which I've followed the sport: the Welsh and British Lions teams of the seventies, for instance, or the Springboks of the nineties, or the England team from 1999-2003 and not forgetting, of course, the All Blacks in between just about every World Cup:)

Nevertheless, I can confidently declare that the best team I have ever witnessed was the Wallabies team that toured Britain and Ireland in 1984.

Put simply, the 1984 Wallabies captured my imagination like no other team had before or has since. Northern hemisphere rugby at the time (France excepted) was a largely pedestrian affair (plus ça change) featuring big, slow, cumbersome and mostly moustached forwards and, at least in England, life-threateningly uninpsirational backs. Anyone remember Brian Barley and Rob Lozowski in the England midfield for instance? The arrival of the free-flowing and exotic Aussies to our shores was therefore a breath of fresh air.

Those 1984 Wallabies were synonymous with running rugby, hardly surprsing given the talent within their back division. The likes of Mark Ella, David Campese, Roger Gould, Andrew Slack, Michael Lynagh, Brendan Moon, Matthew Burke and Nick Farr-Jones graced our rugby pitches that Autumn, playing rugby that was light years ahead of anything else on offer at the time.

Perhaps more surprising was the fact that their forward pack was also pretty damned useful. A powerful scrummaging front row featuring Topo Rodriguez, Tom Lawton and Andy McIntyre was ably assisted by athletic ball-handling back five forwards such as Steve Williams, Steve Cutler, Simon Poidevin, Steve Tuynman and David Codey who were more than capable of mixing it with the best we had to offer as well as supporting their talented three-quarters in open play.

On an 18 match tour the 1984 Wallabies contrived to lose 4 matches, but their 1st XV was more than a match for the home nations as they eased their way to a Grand Slam, beating England 19-6, Ireland 16-9, Wales 28-9 and Scotland 37-12.

Impressive results, but it was the way they achieved those results playing innovative and attractive rugby that will live long in the memory.

And love him or loathe him, David Campese was unarguably the star of the show - here's why:

Lessons

1. Ugo Monye is in no way, shape or form an international fullback. Time for Johnno to trust Ben Foden in the 15 shirt.

2. Matt Banahan is not the answer. What was the question?

3. One day we may learn that kicking the ball to the opposition ad infinitum isn't necessarily the cleverest of tactics.

4. Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball, Quick ball............

Those were the days

Are we there yet?

Is it really over?

Has "the 3 teams playing amongst themselves for an eternity" tournament finally finished?

I confess I've seen very little of this year's Tri Nations but that in no way prevents me from having an opinion i.e.

- South Africa: well done on becoming 3N champions. You found the Lions far more of a handful than Australia and New Zealand and I have a sneaking suspicion that you might now have just peaked;

- Australia: it looks very much like you might just about have found yourselves a scrummage at last, and in doing so the rest of your game appears to have gone to pot. Nevertheless I have a horrible irrational feeling that you might be the team to beat in 2011;

- New Zealand: if you're going to have a major crisis of confidence then 2 years before the World Cup is as good a time as any. Find a lineout from somewhere and wrap McCaw and Carter in cotton cool for the next 2 years and you'll be fine.

See you all in November...

Small beer

It was revealed this week that the reason that the ARU sacked Lote Tuqiri last year was because he broke strict team rules by taking a woman to his Wallabies hotel room.

At the time, Tuqiri was on his "last warning'' for previous misdemeanors which included an incident in a Cape Town nightclub in 2005 and turning up pissed to a Wallabies training session in 2007.

All of which strikes me as being small beer compared to the recent scandals engulfing northern hemisphere rugby. Our rugby may not be as good, but we do scandal SO much better!

Southern Discomfort

Forgive me if I fail to get excited by the Tri-Nations.

Not only does the format of the competition - New Zealand v Australia, South Africa v News Zealand, South Africa v New Zealand again, South African v Australia...etc...etc...ad infinitum - make me want to enter a self-induced coma, so far the standard of rugby hasn't been up to much either - surprising, given that we're constantly reminded of the superior standard of rugby in the Southern Hemisphere.

Who knows, the tournament may finally take off this weekend. The South Africans may even fill a stadium.

I won't hold my breath.