Horlicks

While the England players focus on getting themselves ready for the opening RWC game against Argentina, back home the RFU continue to make an utter horlicks of running the domestic game at large.

A brief summary of events to date:

- Following the retirement of Francis Baron, the RFU appointed John Steele as CEO in June 2010. Steele put together plans to reform the management structure within the RFU, plans which were endorsed by the RFU Management Board.

- Part of the plan was to appoint a Performance Director, a role seen by many (including RFU Chairman Martyn Thomas and a selection of rugby hacks) as tailor-made for a certain knight of the realm.

- In May this year, concerned by the lack of applicants for the role, Steele decided to change the job spec, taking the England team out of the equation, only to to perform a spectacular U-turn less than 3 days later after coming under pressure from Thomas and the Board who were set on employing said knight of the realm (who promptly ruled himself out of the running).

- Upset at losing their preferred candidate, the RFU Management Board effectively sacked Steele in June and asked Jeff Judge Blackett to investigate the circumstances leading up to that point. Martyn Thomas took over as acting CEO on a reported salary of £250k.

- Judge Blackett produced his report in July but, rather than condemn John Steele's actions (as the Management Board had anticipated) the principal recommendations of the report were that Martyn Thomas and nine other non executive directors on the Management Board should resign.

- Athough Martyn Thomas did indeed, in a tactical move, step down as Chairman of the RFU Management Board at the RFU's AGM on 10th July, he also prevented publication of the Blackett Report by threatening to bring legal proceedings against Judge Blackett for libel and managed to retain his lucrative new role as acting CEO.

- Despite yet more expert legal advice commissioned by the RFU Management Board (this time from Deputy High Court Judge Robert Englehart QC), on 2nd September the RFU Council voted overwhelmingly to publish the Blackett Report and the RFU announced that the findings of the Blackett Report had, after all, been endorsed by the Management Board (!)

- However, (a) the Report will not now be published until 30th September (on the basis that the RFU have to appoint a calligrapher to transcribe the report in goat's blood on papyrus or some other such nonsense) and (b) to date not one of the RFU Management Board has resigned - other than Thomas, of course, who still retains his highly paid acting CEO role as well as his role as as chairman of Rugby World Cup 2015 and his position as one of the RFU’s representatives on the International Rugby Board.

What next? A disrepute charge against Martyn Thomas has been rumoured but who knows? You really couldn't make it up and the other side of the world is probably the best place for the England team to be right now.

Truth being stranger than fiction...

I feel I must apologise.

In recent days this blog has descended into farce as I have made somewhat clumsy and unsuccessful attempts to satirise certain goings on in South West London.

The fact is that the RFU has become an utter parody of itself such that any attempt at satire is doomed to failure.

This is (possibly) my last word on the matter.

Hacked off

The NEWS OF THE WORLD is not the only publication (or, in the NOTW's case, ex-publication) capable of phone hacking. Our investigative reporters here at Total Flanker are also quite a resourceful bunch and have made full use of the latest technology to bring you the following extracts from the voicemails of certain well known rugby personalities:

GAVIN HENSON:
"What's occurin'? This is Gav. I'm not yer right now but I'm available for reality telly shows, weddings, barmitzvahs and, if there's nothing else on, Rugby World Cups. Leave a message..."

(BEEP) Gavin? Mate, it's Warren. Warren Gatland. If you're not too busy mate it'd be great if you could come to Poland with us for a bit of a runaround. I'll understand if you can't make it but please try eh? Please. Pretty please? Call me.

JUDGE JEFF BLACKETT:
"This is Jeff Blackett. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm compiling a 126 page report for the RFU council looking into the ineffectiveness of the RFU's Chief Disciplinary Officer."

(BEEP) Blackett you bastard. You try, just try, to publish that report you wrote about me and I'll have your (beep) guts for garters you (beep). Your (beep) feet won't touch the ground you (beep). You'll never work in this town again, dammit, do you hear me? I'll take you for every (beep) penny you have, you miserable (beep). Oh, it's Martyn by the way.

GRAHAM HENRY:
"Hello. Right Reverend Graham Henry here. Just leave your confession after the tone and I'll send you the invoice."

(BEEP) Boss? It's me, Dan. Mate, we're screwed for the World Cup. Those Aussies look awesome. What do we do boss? Practice more drop goals? Call me.

DANNY CIPRIANI
"Hi this is Danny. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm sat at home with a cup of cocoa and a good book. I'm definitely not out on the town with some Z-list celebrity slapper. Certainly not. Honest."

(no messages)

MARC LIEVREMONT
"Allo, c'est Marc. Laissez-moi un message. Pas vous Chabal."

(BEEP) Merde! Sob! Sob!...