Hacked off

The NEWS OF THE WORLD is not the only publication (or, in the NOTW's case, ex-publication) capable of phone hacking. Our investigative reporters here at Total Flanker are also quite a resourceful bunch and have made full use of the latest technology to bring you the following extracts from the voicemails of certain well known rugby personalities:

GAVIN HENSON:
"What's occurin'? This is Gav. I'm not yer right now but I'm available for reality telly shows, weddings, barmitzvahs and, if there's nothing else on, Rugby World Cups. Leave a message..."

(BEEP) Gavin? Mate, it's Warren. Warren Gatland. If you're not too busy mate it'd be great if you could come to Poland with us for a bit of a runaround. I'll understand if you can't make it but please try eh? Please. Pretty please? Call me.

JUDGE JEFF BLACKETT:
"This is Jeff Blackett. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm compiling a 126 page report for the RFU council looking into the ineffectiveness of the RFU's Chief Disciplinary Officer."

(BEEP) Blackett you bastard. You try, just try, to publish that report you wrote about me and I'll have your (beep) guts for garters you (beep). Your (beep) feet won't touch the ground you (beep). You'll never work in this town again, dammit, do you hear me? I'll take you for every (beep) penny you have, you miserable (beep). Oh, it's Martyn by the way.

GRAHAM HENRY:
"Hello. Right Reverend Graham Henry here. Just leave your confession after the tone and I'll send you the invoice."

(BEEP) Boss? It's me, Dan. Mate, we're screwed for the World Cup. Those Aussies look awesome. What do we do boss? Practice more drop goals? Call me.

DANNY CIPRIANI
"Hi this is Danny. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm sat at home with a cup of cocoa and a good book. I'm definitely not out on the town with some Z-list celebrity slapper. Certainly not. Honest."

(no messages)

MARC LIEVREMONT
"Allo, c'est Marc. Laissez-moi un message. Pas vous Chabal."

(BEEP) Merde! Sob! Sob!...

Rugby player steals baby

England's Rugby World cup plans were thrown into disarray today when it emerged that 18 stone powerhouse centre Matt Bananaramaman may not be available to travel to New Zealand this autumn as he is due to face charges of stealing a baby.

If found guilty Bananaramaman (pictured with said baby above) will join the list of other notorious rugby-playing baby thieves which includes the likes of former England winger Ben Cohen and hirsute French waxwork dummy Sebastien Chabal.

Dummy



Chabal (right) with
his waxwork dummy

 EXCLUSIVE - The Musée Grévin in Paris is launching an internal investigation after it was revealed that one of its waxwork dummies played 50 minutes for France at Twickenham yesterday during the 17-9 defeat to England.

We can reveal that the waxwork likeness of Sebastien Chabal, unveiled at the Musée Grévin earlier this month, started the match for France at number 8 before eventually being hauled off by Marc Lièvremont and replaced with the slightly more animate Julien Bonnaire 10 minutes into the second half.

The whereabouts of the real Sebastien Chabal remain unknown.

Monsieur Le Showbizz?

News this week that Seabass Chabal is swapping the somewhat prosaic delights of Stockport for the ever-so-slightly up-market surroundings of Paris next season, signing up with newly promoted Racing Métro.

Racing Métro 92 Paris (to give the club its full name) is, of course, the successor in title to Racing Club de France who, in the late 80s and early 90s (very much MY era) added a certain glitz and glamour to the French club rugby scene via its self-styled "Le Showbizz" backline featuring the likes of Franck Mesnel, Jean-Baptiste Lafond, Eric Blanc, Yvon Rousset and Philippe Guillard.

The highlight of this era for Racing was winning the French Championship in 1990, with Le Showbizz wearing pink bow-ties during the final and sipping champagne from crystal glasses at half-time.

The Caveman should fit right in.