When the seagulls follow the trawler...

So, a two-year ban for Matt Stevens. A tad harsh I feel, given that cocaine clearly isn't a performance enhancing drug and you only have to look at his performances for England in the autumn for evidence of that (although it's anyone's guess what the rest of the team's excuse was).

However, with previous miscreants Jason Keyter and Wendell Sailor both ending up with 2 year bans there was clearly a precedent for such a decision. Two years away from the sport could well be career-ending - and it hardly helps his rehabilitation that he won't even be allowed to coach youngsters, if I understand the ban correctly.

Mind you, someone ought to be testing whatever Brian O'Driscoll has been drinking of late.

"Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit, while wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad," he said, when questioned about Martin Johnson.

Eh?

Eric Cantona would have been proud.

A date for the diary...

OK, for those of you in the London area, get your diaries out and note down the following date - Saturday 18th April, 1.00pm at Barn Elms - where my old club Barnes RFC will be hosting a match between Barnes Vets and a Legends XV to benefit former player and coach Neil Murphy.

Neil played and coached at Barnes in the late 80s and early 90s (slightly before my time at the club) having previously played first class rugby for Quins and London Irish. Sadly Neil suffered a brain haemorrhage in 2007 and now needs 24 hour care - hence the benefit match to raise much needed funds.

The Legends XV will include the likes of Jason Leonard, Neil Edwards, Peter Winterbottom, Mike Gibson, Rupert Moon, Huw Davies, Rob Lozowski, Simon Smith, David Trick, Simon Halliday and Hugo MacNeil. And apparently Brian Moore is scheduled to referee - so there'll be no crooked feeds at scrum time!!!

If that isn't enough to tempt you, the match will also be the swansong of legendary Barnes prop Michael “Rhino” Whitfield and there's a vicious rumour that yours truly might be making a cameo appearance.

Also planned are a marquee, bar, hog roast and "all sorts of bouncy castles and games for the kids" - entrance will be by programme only and will cost £20 per person (to include a pint and burger) with all kids under 16 getting in free. There are also various sponsorship and advertising opportunities available.

Check out the Barnes RFC website for further details, or contact Colette Murphy at: c-scott@btconnect.com.

Watford Boks?

What the hell is going on at Saracens?

Just when it seemed as if my local professional club in Watford had achieved some degree of stability after years of flux, it appears that they are now back in a state of chronic instability with the news that next season's head coach, former Springbok Brendan Ventner, turned up at the club this week to deliver the bombshell to some 18 members of the current playing squad that their services will not be required next season.

The idea appears to be that the jettisoned players will be replaced by (arguably cheaper) imports from South Africa and those surplus to requirements are said to include All Black lock Chris Jack, last season's Premiership player of the season Glen Jackson and, more worryingly for Sarries fans, long-serving loyal servants of the club such as Nick Lloyd, Kevin Sorrell and Ben Skirving.

The club has attempted to spin this week's events as being nothing more than good management - telling the players the position now, they say, gives the players more time to arrange contracts for next season. Although that may be the case, I'm pretty sure that the majority of loyal Fez-heads will be appalled by these developments.

Not only have they lost yet another director of rugby in Eddie Jones (who leaves at the end of the season), they also now have to face the probability of their beloved Sarries being turned into some kind of South African satellite club.

It's pretty obvious now that Eddie's reasons for leaving were less to do with the family reasons quoted and more to do with the direction in which the club was heading, that direction firmly being a club based on a South African playing staff to go alongside the South African coach, South African Chief Executive and South African owners.

Rumours of a move from Watford to Fulham, a home from home for Sarfie expats, are rife and it may be that, having alienated the loyal support that the club has worked so hard to build through its community links with local schools and rugby clubs in Watford and the surrounding area, the new regime will have little option but to head elsewhere to find itself a new audience - a risky strategy, despite the substantial South African population in SW London.

So, can anything be done? Calls for a quota of overseas players per club are a non-starter, the Kolpak ruling meaning that South Africans are treated as EU residents for the purposes of European Law and therefore cannot be restricted from working in EU countries.

What I would like to see, as a start, is for Premier Rugby to abandon its umbrella funding policy whereby it distributes the cash received from the RFU under the EPS agreement equally among its member clubs. Those clubs that produce England players should be rewarded - those that decide to rely on foreign talent should simply be left to fend for themselves. Yes, there's a danger that certain clubs will prosper more than others and such a move will be of little comfort to Sarries fans in the short term, but it's about time Premier Rugby grew a pair and showed some leadership on this issue.

Meanwhile Eddie Jones faces the near impossible job of trying to coach a bunch of entirely demotivated players through to the end of the season.

Ironic

Rumour has it that the Springboks' plan to play a warm up match for the Lions tour against the New Zealand Maori is under threat ... on racial grounds.

According to reports, South African law now prevents the country's rugby team from playing against any side selected on racial lines - somewhat ironic given that, during the apartheid era, Maori players were not allowed to tour South Africa with the All Blacks.

Not like rain on your wedding day perhaps, but ironic nevertheless.

Lament of an ageing forward

Thanks to Dan at World Masters Rugby Group...

I woke up with a headache that’d hung around for days

And half a pack of aspirin wouldn’t make it go away

I knew the thing that caused it, and it made me feel depressed

It wasn’t too much alcohol, but simply too much stress

I rang my local doctor in my quest to get it fixed

A chat and some prescription drugs would surely do the trick

I drove to my appointment and arrived in ample time

Then waited, watched and read until the next name called was mine

I walked into the doctor’s room, he checked me up and down

Then peered over his glasses as he asked me with a frown;

"Are you worried your blood pressure might be up again?

Or is your gout and hernia a cause of constant pain?

Are you being bothered by your bulging lumbar disc?

Your slowly failing eyesight or your subcutaneous cyst?

Your rheumatoid arthritis or those ulcers on your tongue?

Your kidney stones, your fungus, or those dark spots on your lung?

Your low sperm count, your dodgy knee, that cancer on your hand?

That rash around your privates, your grotesquely swollen gland?

Well surely, then, you’re worried ‘bout your pending heart attack?"

"No", I said, "I’m worried that my son’s become a back"

"He’s only short in stature and his thighs and arms are small

He cries when he gets injured and he cannot catch the ball

He’d rather kick than tackle and his nose is deadly straight

He’d rather hang out with his mum than drink beer with his mates"

"His ears aren’t cauliflowered and he will not tape his head

And every night, by 8 o’clock, he’s tucked up in his bed

He’s fast and he’s elusive and the girls all think he’s cute

And as for scrums and lineouts, well, he hasn’t got a clue"

"His body isn’t hairy and he very rarely sweats

He’d rather read a book than play in winter when it’s wet

He’s never sculled a schooner and he’s quick to bite and scratch

He whinges, whines and finds my Garryowens hard to catch"

"He’s never punched a punching bag, or bench pressed his own weight

Or stacked the bar and squatted – doing sets of six to eight

His head is bigger than his neck, he can’t secure the ball

He’s never seen a prop up close or driven a rolling maul"

As I described the symptoms my good doctor simply smiled

I said: "You don’t understand – this is my only child.

I tell you doc, I’m worried, is there something I can do?"

"Give it time," the doctor said. "Your son is only two!"

Women get the boot

The world of women's rugby was shocked to its core at the weekend as England suffered a 16-15 defeat at the hands of Wales at Taffs Well RFC on Saturday.

The defeat was England’s first reverse since losing the 2006 World Cup final to New Zealand, was their first ever defeat to Wales in the 22 year history of the fixture and ends England’s ambitions of achieving an unprecedented fourth consecutive Grand Slam.

Fielding a young and inexperienced team (many of the more experienced players being away on international sevens duty), England lost the game in the 78th minute when Welsh full-back Non Evans slotted a late penalty.

I guess England's impressive run of victories had to come to an end at some point and no doubt the youngsters in the team will learn from the experience - who knows, it may even be a good thing looking ahead to 2010.

Personally I blame the fact that they now have to wear the same godawful kit as the men.

At it again...

Not for the first time, Wales' favourite orange rugby player has made the newspapers for all the wrong reasons.

Yes, tango-boy Gavin Henson is again in a spot of bother having reportedly been spoken to by police on Saturday night after having been removed from two Cardiff bars while celebrating the win over England with Welsh team mates, Lee Byrne, Mike Phillips and Andy Powell.

Branded a "disgrace" by witnesses, Henson is apparently now the subject of an investigation by the WRU.

Setting aside the fact that, being injured, Henson made no contribution to the victory whatsoever, one has to again question his professionalism if he thinks that the best way of getting himself fit and back in the team is to go out on the lash with the boys.

Henson is becoming something of a serial offender, not helped by the fact that previous misdemeanours have been overlooked or indulged by his employers.

Not that England fans would particularly shed a tear, but it's probably not too strong an assertion to make that, unless Messrs Gatland and Edwards get a grip of this guy quickly, we might well witness the utter waste of one of the game's most gifted talents.