I've seen the future

...and his name is Ben Foden.

A major (although not the only) silver lining to the black cloud of England's defeat to Ireland yesterday was, I thought, the performance of replacement fullback Ben Foden.

It may have taken an injury to Delon Armitage to force Johnno to relent and finally give Foden some game time but the impact was immediate and dramatic. Unlike the passive Armitage, Foden went hunting for the ball and, unlike the England centres, constantly asked questions of the Irish defence.

He even comes with ready-made celebrity girlfriend (and we know how much Johnno just loves that).

Anyway, for the record here's my assessment of the England players' performances:

15. Armitage 5 (out of 10) - passive and anonymous

14. Cueto 6 - solid and unspectacular

13. Tait 6 - had his moments, just not enough of them

12. Flutey 4 - was he playing?

11. Monye 5 - good under high ball but will somebody please take his blinkers off

10. Wilkinson 7 - best game for a while although missed kicks at goal ultimately costly

9. Care 5 - would've been a 7 if not for daft penalty reversal

1. Payne 7 - had the measure of Hayes all afternoon

2. Hartley 5 - lineout's becoming a problem

3. Cole 8 - a real find this season, great scrummaging and deserved try

4. Shaw - wasn't on long enough to grade..

5. Borthwick 6 - decent enough game but lineout was hit and miss

6. Haskell 6 - half decent second half after anonymous first period

7. Moody 7 - worked his socks off as usual with little support from back row colleagues

8. Easter 4 - worst game I've seen from him. How many times does he need to be told to stay onside?

Reps:

Deacon 5 - outshone by an unfit DOC - Lawes in next time please

Foden 8 - real impact. Shoe-in for Scotland

Worsley 6 - should have replaced Easter rather than Moody

Hodgson 7 - very composed and could start at Murrayfield

Mears 7 - another itching for a start next time out

Wilson 7 - looks like England now have genuine options at tighthead. Needs to sort out the man boobs though.

Lomu gets the message

Some of you may remember that last March the junior section of Vigo Rugby Club in Spain wrote a message in a bottle intended for the attention of All Black legend Jonah Lomu.

Well, eleven months and 41,000 kilometres later the bottle/message has reached its final destination, with Lomu taking possession last Sunday following the match between his current club Marseille Vitrolles Rugby and Sporting Club Mazametain.

It appears that the the six degrees of separation theory that lay behind the plan to get the message to Lomu didn't quite work, with the former All Black being the seventh link in the chain.

For more on this story click here.

Postscript

As an aside from the comments of a certain Mr J. Wilkinson yesterday I'd like to put on record that I, too, am rarely satisfied by my rugby performances, largely owing to the fact that I am a far more talented rugby player in my head than ever manifests itself on the field of play.

Thank you.

He can't get no....satisfaction

Extracts from The Art of Positive Thinking by Jonathan Peter Wilkinson, aged 30 ¾ :

"I'm as unsatisfied as I've ever been. In every game I've ever played I've never been satisfied.

"I'm at the same level of dissatisfaction as I've been throughout my entire career.

"I will probably resign in however many years probably the most unsatisfied man in the world but I'm happy to go that way because it keeps me driving.

"I don't mind coming off the field saying I could have done that better. Give me long enough and I'd find 100 things for you. "

But is it rugby?

Given how negative much of the rugby in the northern hemisphere has been this season we're hardly in a position to criticise, but how on earth can defences be so bad so as to allow a 72-65 scoreline?

Judge for yourself...

The English are coming

It appears that the Super 14 will this year be graced by the ample frame of none other than former Leicester pivot Andy Goode.

The Sharks, it is reported, have decided to replace the injured Juan Martin Hernandez in their squad by recruiting the big-boned, non-tackling, 29 year old England fly-half from Brive.

Setting aside my shock that he is still only 29, the announcement of Goode's arrival in Durban this year and today's confirmation of Danny Cipriani's much-anticipated move to Melbourne next year suggests that there might be a sinister pattern emerging. Keep it under your hat, but the Super 14/15 is slowly but surely being infiltrated by English playmakers (an oxymoron if ever I heard one) with a view to rendering southern hemisphere backlines utterly impotent.

All part of Martin Johnson's cunningly fiendish masterplan?

Mwahaha, Muwhahaha!!!!!!!

@...

A few short messages aimed @ some of the weekend's participants:

@ Steve Borthwick - please engage brain before speaking. The performance wasn't as bad as some are making out but "FANTASTIC" it certainly wasn't.

@ Martin Johnson - with 3 front row forwards on the bench you let Italy set the agenda. The game was crying out for Ben Foden. Please trust in talent.

@ the RFU - clearly the only solution is to wear the retro shirts on a permanent basis. You know it makes sense.

@ France - sacre bleu. Bloody impressive mes amis.

@ Jerry Flannery - very, very lucky to stay on the parc. Collective myopia from match officials. Expect to miss at least the next match though.

@ Scotland - WTF? The most astonishing piece of mass hara-kiri ever witnessed on a rugby field?

@ Thom Evans - get well soon - ditto Chris Paterson.

@ Lee Byrne - I seriously hope that it WASN'T a dive.

@ Andy Powell - charged with drink driving in a golf buggy? MUPPET.