Baa Baas go orange

The Artist Formerly Known As Gavin Church is reportedly set to make his return to rugby union after accepting an invitation to play for the Barbarians against South Africa at Twickenham in December.

Having not played since March 2009 our favourite son of  the valleys is undergoing intensive preparation for the pantomime match by perfecting his foxtrot, paso doble and viennese waltz on Strictly Come Dancing while trying not to become too aroused by partner Katya Virshilas.

"Obviously our invitation to Gavin will attract a lot of attention. He is conscious of the need for match fitness but we're confident that the Springbok midfield will be bamboozled by his quickstep (see what I did there?)" said the Barbarians contracts manager Mike Burton.

The 28-year-old former Osprey will be joined in the Baa-Baas squad by Ireland's Willie John McBride (70), fellow Welshman Cliff Morgan (80) and former England captain Wavell Wakefield (1898-1983), all of whom are thought to have a better chance of reviving their international playing careers.

Unintended Consequences

Rotund former England fly half Stuart Barnes made an interesting observation on Sky Sports Rugby Club last week.

Although widely credited for the creation of more tries per match, the new interpretation at the breakdown does appear to have one or two unintended consequences.

One such consequence is that canny coaches, knowing that the attacking team will be favoured, are instructing their defenders not to commit to the ruck and instead fan out across the pitch. Another is that teams in attack, knowing that they will be treated leniently at the breakdown, are committing all sorts of offences which are largely going unpunished by referees.

The picture, from Sky Sports, is a great example of this. While no London Irish player is committed to the ruck, at least 3 Gloucester players have gone to ground over the ball to seal it off. And what is the referee doing? Warning the London Irish players about the offside line rather than penalising the Gloucester attackers (if I was a London Irish player I would be tempted to walk round and pick up the ball as, technically, no ruck exists).

Taken to the extreme the game may end up becoming a series of uncontested mini-rucks with defences spread across the field to reduce space and contain the attack until an offence is committed, with more games decided on penalties, the opposite of what was intended. And with no defenders in the ruck, what we are left with looks suspiciously like Rugby League.

Solution? Leave the game well alone. The biggest problem with rugby over the last four years has been the constant meddling of the IRB. First the ELVs, then a series of conflicting directions to referees on how they should interpret the laws.

Bottom line is that the laws are fine and that referees should be allowed just to get on with it without interference. Then we might actually get a game of rugby.

Andy Ripley Memorial Race

This Sunday (26th) the East Grinstead Athletic Club is hosting a cross-country trail race organised in memory of rugby legend and all round good egg Andy Ripley.

The inspirational Ripley, who sadly died of prostate cancer earlier this year aged 62, was a keen supporter of the Club and often presented the prizes at club events.

The race starts at 10:30am at Imberhorne School, East Grinstead and the 10k course will, allegedly, “take you along the lovely Worth Way”.

Entries will, apparently, be accepted on the day and runners are encouraged to support the Prostate Cancer Charity, for whom Ripley was an ambassador.

Good luck to all involved.

Best wishes

May I extend the best wishes of this blog to Tuui Radrava, the York Railway Institute backrow forward who was hospitalised with a “serious brain injury” following an incident in his team’s Yorkshire Division 3 match with Thornensians at the weekend.

Although the Fijian, a British Army soldier, is no longer on the critical list, his condition remains serious and the fact that 3 Thornensians players have since been been arrested and bailed by North Yorkshire Police suggests that this is not the last we’ll hear of this matter…

Speaking of shameless publicity junkies...

Clearly hacked off with the number of column inches being devoted to other rugby playing narcissistic self-publicists, it was only a matter of time before Brand Haskell re-emerged in the pages of Britain's tabloids and, lo and behold, an 'exclusive' interview with Le Hask appeared last week in that bastion of all things good and true, the Daily Mail.

The interview is obviously a fascinating insight into the life of an Englishman playing professional rugby in France. Or maybe not.

We are, however, left enthralled by such snippets as his nickname at Stade being "La Machine," the fact that he quite enjoys being a gay icon and that he is "deadly serious" about reclaiming the England No 6 shirt for the Autumn internationals.

All of which will, no doubt, really impress Martin Johnson.

As you sow, so shall you reap...

Nice quote from Mike Tindall in the Torygraph:

"...if you don't do stuff to invite the press in, they don't come. If you don't look for media attention, you don't get it. With us, Zara gets on with the riding and I get on with my rugby, and we stick to that and it seems to work for us. We're quite simple."

Perhaps certain shameless publicity junkies (who shall, in the interests of not feeding their fame cravings any further, remain nameless) could take note?

Stranger than fiction?

There appears to be a certain amount of confusion at large about what teams are now allowed to do, or not do, in response to the Haka – something that once upon a time used to be a great piece of sporting theatre but what has in recent years turned into some sort of nonsensical politically correct hot potato.

I have previously made known my views on the Haka and in particular the ludicrous idea that the rugby world is expected to pay it some kind of awe-inspired respect, especially when virtually every response is in some way regarded as disrespectful and an affront to Maori culture.

For some reason, however, the IRB appears to have stuck its nose in where it is not wanted by fining the Wallaroos, Australia's women's rugby team, £1000 for advancing on the Black Ferns’ Haka before their World Cup pool match last month.

IRB tournament rules apparently now dictate that teams must face the Haka and remain motionless 10 metres on their own side of the halfway line, a protocol which would be laughable were it not so tragic.

The whole issue has been thrown into glorious confusion by a typically irreverent piece by our friends over at The East Terrace, the only problem being that the words used in the spoof article were then quoted verbatim as a genuine IRB statement by TVNZ who had somehow failed to get the joke.

Joking aside, it’s clear that the IRB have got this one badly wrong. I’d encourage every international team facing the All Blacks this season to breach this ludicrous protocol and take whatever fine is coming, so long as the message hits home that this stage-managed nonsense has gone far enough.