Balls

I see the good old press corps are wringing every last drop of sanctimonious condemnation out of the latest ‘misfortune’ to befall the English rugby team, namely the failed attempt to switch balls for a conversion attempt against Romania last week.

On a scale of 1-10 it’s a misdemeanour that barely registers a 0.5 but, nevertheless, accusations of “blatant cheating” have rained down on England’s management, alongside calls for England to be fined/ docked points/ sent home/ all of the above.

All of which conveniently ignores the fact that England have dealt with the matter in-house to the satisfaction of the RWC organisers. In any event, aren’t we forgetting that England didn’t actually manage to switch the balls as the referee prevented them from doing so (i.e. he was doing his job) and who is to say whether other teams have been doing the same? The fact that no one else has been caught doesn’t mean it hasn’t been happening.

What England are actually guilty of is of being more than a little dim. Given how the press have seized with undisguised glee on the likes of Bungee-gate, Dwarf-gate and Blonde-gate, and given that referees are clearly watching England like hawks for signs of indiscipline on the pitch, might it not have been sensible for England’s coaches to play things by the book?

What this incident has done is to throw a few more morsels into the press pack feeding frenzy. I do wonder what the reaction would have been had it been, say, New Zealand involved? Would the press have had quite such a field day?

Of course not. It is becoming increasingly obvious to England rugby fans that the press, and the English press in particular, have a barely disguised agenda. England are not blameless, clearly, but I wish the press would just wind in their collective necks and let the team get on with it, instead of seeking every opportunity to undermine the campaign. It's as if they are so desperate to be able to turn round and tell the world "I told you so" that they'll almost do anything to ensure that England failing at this tournament becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I was in charge (oh, if only!) there would certainly now be a list of hacks I wouldn't allow anywhere near the England camp.

Here endeth the lesson. Ready for squeaky bum time against the Sweaties tomorrow.



PS - Incidentally, I agree with the consensus that the £5000 fine imposed on Alesana Tuilagi for wearing a branded mouthguard is ridiculously draconian, although comparing the sanction to England’s Ball-gate punishment, as many wise-arse commentators have attempted to do, isn’t particularly helpful. Had an England player been let off for a similar offence, or had Samoa been docked points for switching balls, then fair enough - but to use Tuilagi's misfortune as fodder for the argument that England are being let off lightly is yet another example of very lazy journalism.

Here endeth the lesson again. Really.

Permutations be damned

There are websites out there on t’interweb which set out the various permutations governing which 2 of England, Scotland and Argentina will progress to the Rugby World Cup quarter finals.

This blog is not one of them.

Forget 8-point differentials, number of tries scored and losing bonus points, if England cannot beat Scotland on Saturday I’ll expect the resignations of Martin Johnson and his coaching staff on my desk first thing on Sunday morning.

Weekend observations

• England are improving. Only 13 penalties conceded against the mighty Romania. That’s one fewer than against the mighty Georgia, an improvement in anyone’s book.
• The All Blacks are in cruise control. Still no clue as to how they will react when (if) put under pressure.
• Richie McCaw. Congratulations. 100 caps and still, for me, the best 7 in world rugby. On-field presentation/speech etc, however, not a good idea.
• Scotland. Oh dear. Defeat from the jaws of victory. England can expect the kitchen sink on Saturday.
• Barring slip ups against Italy and Fiji respectively it’s looking like an Ireland v Wales quarter-final. Which, in turn, means one of Ireland or Wales in the semi-final of the World Cup. Strange days indeed.

Pants

A Wellington lingerie shop has been asked to change a sign which advertises "All Black lingerie 20 % off" because the NZRU says the use of the words "All Black" breaches its trademark.

The NZRU say, without a hint of a smirk, that customers could be lead to believe the shop is selling official All Blacks branded products.

You really couldn't make this stuff up.

Quote of the Century

All Black centre Conrad Smith, claiming that the All Blacks passion for rugby is equal to that of the French, only in a more understated way…

"We can be passionate about something but we don't create a song and dance.”

Errr...apart from the Haka, maybe?

Sour Grapes

Apparently Australia did not lose to Ireland last weekend by being out-scrummaged, out-tackled, out-rucked, out-mauled and out-played. No, according to Tim Horan (aka Total Flanker Dunderhead of the Week) the Aussies lost because Ireland’s players deliberately feigned injury against Australia to slow down play.

Jesus is an All Black

It seems that New Zealand is leaving nothing to chance in its attempts to win the Rugby World Cup.

St Paul's Anglican Cathedral in Wellington has been exhibiting a painting depicting a haloed Jesus wearing an All Blacks jersey as he dispenses blessings while clutching a white rugby ball.

"Central to Christian belief is that God became a human being in this world. Our belief is that he happened to do that 2,000 years ago in Palestine… if it were to happen today, why should he not be an All Black?" says the Very Reverend Frank Nelson.

And this blog can exclusively reveal that, according to the the Right Reverend Graham Henry, if Jesus were indeed an All Black, he would be named on the bench as cover for Dan Carter.

Blackballed

Although named in England's starting line up to face Romania on Saturday, Ben Foden has been sitting out training this week, afflicted with a sore side and a bruised testicle.

Fortunate, then, that girlfriend Una Healy announced last week that she was up the duff and Foden were expecting their first baby together. Equally fortunate, for fans of popular singing combo The Saturdays (of whom Ms Healy is a member), is that their forthcoming tour will not be affected by the pregnancy. Thank heavens for that.

Genius?

Did Marc Le Fou have his Eureka moment in the bath this week?

Or is it simply the case that the injury to David Skrela, the ineptitude of François Trinh-Duc and the coach's preference to lose to the All Blacks on Saturday have conspired to produce the selection of Morgan Parra at fly half?

"Farce!" screams the NZ Herald, but of the French 22, apparently 14 have previously beaten the All Blacks (with 6 having beaten them twice). The French team may well be a collective basket case, but Parra's selection at 10 is so gloriously bonkers it could prove to be inspired. 

Random World Cup Observations and a couple of milestones...

England are not happy. “Sloppy” fumes Johnno. “Not acceptable”  moans  Haskell. An air of doom and gloom now pervades the English campaign. Jeez fellas – just chillax. Six tries, bonus point secured, job done. Have a beer or two, chuck a few dwarves about and move on to the next match.

Meanwhile Samoan centre Eliota Fuimaono-Sapolu has accused the IRB of unfairness in their scheduling of matches and in particular the 3 day turnaround Samoa had before facing Wales. While his claims of Samoa’s treatment being “like slavery, like the holocaust, like apartheid” were crass and inappropriate, the principle behind the argument is sound enough. If, in order to have a 20 team tournament, it is necessary that some teams have to play twice in a week, then surely it is the better resourced Tier 1 countries who should bear the brunt?

Not to be outdone in the controversy stakes, the All Blacks are obviously so insecure that, in the absence of any scandal, they have felt compelled to invent one. Poor Zac Guildford has therefore donned the sackcloth and been paraded in front of the media by New Zealand’s management . His offence? He had a couple of drinks too many in the privacy of the team hotel after New Zealand's Tri-Nations defeat by Australia in Brisbane last month. Seriously.

And finally, I can’t let this moment pass without mention of the fact that this is my 1000th post on this blog. Yes, I’ve managed to find very little of interest to say 1000 times! Nevertheless, this weekend also saw the blog receive its 200,000th visitor. So I may well be blogging a load of old bollocks, but quite a few of you still seem to be reading it! J

Irish eyes are smiling...

... and the cat is most definitely amongst the pigeons!

Ireland 15 Australia 6 could be a hugely significant result in the overall context of the tournament. France will now be desperate to lose to New Zealand in their group match to ensure they stay in the Northern Hemisphere half of the draw, while South Africa will be kicking themselves for their comeback against the Welsh!

Altogether now - Alive, alive oh-oh!

Shameful

And, no, I’m not talking about the conduct of England’s rugby players.

What really pisses me off is the way the British press have fallen over themselves to condemn England’s players and management following the so-called “wild” night at Queenstown’s Altitude Bar on Saturday night.

It’s been no surprise to see the ever-tolerant tabloids leap aboard the bandwagon – and The Sun, The Mirror, The Daily Express and that most hateful of rags, The Daily Mail, have not disappointed. After all, groundless sensationalism is hardly an unexpected phenomenon amongst the gutter press.

What is astonishing, though, is how supposedly responsible and “serious” rugby journalists, who really should know better, have seen fit to join the feeding frenzy and write holier-than-thou judgemental drivel about how the England rugby team should or should not behave, such opinions clearly being based on no more than the crap from the very tabloids that these hacks are supposed to rise above.

The following correspondents in particular should hang their heads in shame:

MICK CLEARY – Telegraph

ROBERT KITSON – Guardian

JAMES LAWTON – Independent

I don’t pay for a subscription to The Times so have no idea what stance its’ journos have taken, but take one look at the comments section under the lazy and ill-informed bile written by any of the above hacks to see what the real rugby fan thinks of such sanctimonious bullshit.

Bottom line: It was a night out, a few drinks were taken and a few photos posed for. Other teams have done the same (albeit without dwarves) to no press reaction whatsoever.

And the fact that reports are beginning to emerge that the blonde woman, supposedly “groped” by Mike Tindall, may actually have just been an old friend of Tindall and his wife, only serves to highlight just how low the British press is willing to stoop.

Rant over.

EXCLUSIVE: Rugby Players Enjoy Post-Match Beer

Or, as The Sun chose to report today:

No doubt we're all suitably scandalised.

DAN COLE, LEE MEARS, STEVE THOMPSON, UN-NAMED DWARF

"They were great lads, not throwing the midgets, it was all light-hearted good-humoured fun" said the not-very-politically-correct manager of the bar in question.

In other words - move along now, nothing to see here.

Best story of the RWC so far…

Michael and Sunette Adendorff, a South African couple in New Zealand to watch South Africa play in the Rugby World Cup, thought something was amiss as they drove around Eastbourne, Wellington, searching for the Majestic Hotel on Royal Parade.

Having stopped at  a local chemist's shop to ask directions they were bemused to find that Eastbourne did not actually have a hotel and, on checking the booking details, they discovered that the Majestic Hotel was, in fact, 12,000 miles away in Eastbourne, England.

"I booked into the right hotel, just in the wrong country," said Mr Adendorff.

An early contender for Dunderhead of the Week (or is that "Boofhead" of the week?).

Boofhead

It's official. Quade Cooper is a Boofhead. Whatever that may be.

According to the Australian ambassador to the world of rugby, Sir Nicholas Farr-Jones, Cooper is a "dope" for his baiting of New Zealand's Saint Richard of McCaw.

"Respect in sport is critical for success, and carrying on like a boofhead exhibits no respect. And it also shows arrogance, which has no place in the game," says Sir Nicholas.

Hear, hear.

Mind you, I still have no idea what a "boofhead" might be.

Question?

How can Andrew "Big Ted" Sheridan - 19 stone plus, 6 foot 4, man-mountain, able to bench press 225kg and squat lift 275 kg - be quite so fragile?

Merci, Patron

It very much looks like the French team may have to play this Rugby World Cup without much support from coach Marc Le Fou.

Lièvremont labelled his team's overall effort against Japan as being "polluted with approximations, technical errors, indiscipline", adding "a dozen penalties against us and so many mistakes made on moves that were relatively easy."

He also singled out Imanol Harinordoquy, as being "very lackadaisical" while half backs Dimitri Yachvili and Francois Trinh-Duc were merely "lacklustre."

The solution?

"They’re the ones playing, they are out on the pitch, it’s up to them to sort out the problems."

Cheers, coach.

Lawes: 2 week ban




"IS IT COS I IS ENGLISH?"

 

Hooked

There are some that say that English ref Wayne Barnes cost Wales a famous win over the Springboks on Sunday, by failing to refer James Hook's 14th minute penalty miss to the TMO.

Delusional nonsense of course.

I've watched the TV replay several times now and the only conclusion I can reach is that it's inconclusive. The ball does appear to swing inwards at the last moment but there's no way of telling exactly when or exactly where. The people with the best view, unsurprisingly, were the 2 touch judges.

Notwithstanding the fact that the kick was in the 14th minute (had it gone over, Wales would still have been behind with 66 minutes remaining), the controversy also hides the fact that it was a relatively simple kick. Hook should really have banged it straight through the middle. He didn't do so. He botched it, along with another reasonably straightforward kick at the end of the match that would have sealed victory.

Harsh but fair.

Dunderhead(s) of the Week

Time to revive the long lost and mostly forgotten DUNDERHEAD OF THE WEEK award (last seen in the possession of former Scotland coach Matt Williams in November 2007).

With the first weekend's action over, the award goes to the entire ITV commentary team, every last one of them. Whether it was Steve Ryder desperately trying to remember how to be a sports presenter, or Craig Doyle taking time off from his double glazing adverts, or Girvan Dempsey looking like a bemused auditor, or Phil Vickery's West Country monotone, or Dallaglio and Pienaar utterly failing to get to grips with a hi-tec touch screen that patently did not work, or the cliché-ridden commentaries - if I didn't know better I would assume that this was some kind of fiendishly clever self-parody.

ITV's problem (also shared by Channel 4 when covering the World Athletics Championship)  is that, other than football, they really have no experience or pedigree in presenting a sports programme - as the channel ably demonstrates every 4 years at the Rugby World Cup.

So, congratulations ITV - the first DUNDERHEAD OF THE WEEK award this RWC is all yours.

On the bright side, at least Jim Rosenthal is no longer presenting.