The Total Flanker Guide to: Scoring Tries

Now that the dust is beginning to settle on the annual northern hemisphere rugby-fest, I feel the time is right for me to set local hostilities aside, dust off all my worldly knowledge on the art of scoring tries and offer it to the world by way of expert opinion.

Try-scoring, you see, is a topic of which I have certain experience although, admittedly, much of that experience does date back to the Mesozoic era.

Between the ages of 15 and 19 my ability to cross the whitewash with some regularity was based largely on 2 factors: (1) being big, fast and fit; and (2) not really having a clue what I was doing.

So, whether I was playing 2nd row or back row, or occasionally when I was made to play in the backs, my game was mostly based on charging around the field following the play and invariably turning up in the right place at the right time to take a scoring pass (and, naturally, take all the credit). The truth was that I didn’t really know what I supposed to be doing and so just did what came naturally (more or less). Very Ashton-esque (minus the idiotic dives), even if I do say so myself.

Graduating to adult rugby largely put paid to all that. Exposure to coaching meant that I had to learn my role and, as I ended up playing mostly at openside flanker, as far as I could make out my role mostly involved scrabbling around on the floor trying to secure possession. Consequently I troubled A&E far more regularly than I troubled the scoreboard. At least that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Vets rugby has seen the pendulum swing the other way. I’d like to say that the (admittedly limited) try-scoring success that I’ve enjoyed since my much heralded return to the game has owed everything to the appliance of years of hard-earned experience. I’d like to say that but I can’t. The truth, I fear, is that the gravitational pull exerted by my ever-expanding girth has had the effect of pulling play towards me, no matter where I stand. Strange but true. It’s the appliance of science, no less.

So, what conclusions can budding try-scorers draw from the above potted history of my playing career?

1. Avoid coaching like the plague - ignorance of what it is you’re supposed to doing is vital if you’re to turn up unexpectedly in a try-scoring position (the alternative is that you just end up doing what you’re supposed to and that’s no fun at all); and

2. In the absence of pace and fitness, get fat, stand still and watch the play gravitate towards you. The closer you can stand to the tryline, the better (for obvious reasons).

Err, that’s it. Hope it helps.

Eureka

Call it a "Eureka" moment, or a lightbulb moment, or the moment when the penny dropped, but I have come to a somewhat startling conclusion this week.

Please bear with me - so shocked am I by the realisation that has dawned on me that I'm going to have to take a deep breath and type this very, very, slowly...

...ENGLAND...NEED...MIKE...TINDALL.

There, I've done it, and still don't believe what's on the screen in front of me. England Need Mike Tindall.

What? You want evidence? Well, just take a look at how utterly pants England were in the 2010 Six Nations until Paris when Tindall was restored to the centres. What? More?  Well, how about the difference in England's excellent performance with Tindall in the team against Australia in November and the subsequent shaky and Tindall-less effort against Samoa one week later. Not enough? May I refer you, then, to Dublin last weekend and the team's rudderless and shambolic capitulation to the Irish without the missing stand-in skipper, and compare that to the 4 preceding victories with him at the helm.

Now, I am not suggesting for one second that the presence of Iron Mike at Landsdowne Road would have resulted in an English victory (history would suggest otherwise). What I am suggesting, however, is that at the very least England's performance would have been a lot less flaky.

I'm afraid that England's failure during the last 7 years to nurture and develop a credible alternative at 13 does now mean that Tindall's presence in the team is disproportionately important. It may not be the fashionable thing to say, and he may have hands like paving slabs and all the pace and fleet-footed agility of a geriatric mollusc, but we do need to face the facts:

England Need Mike Tindall.

You know it makes sense.

Onwards

With the RFU and Nike suitably and deservedly mortified by the leaked video depicting the England team as Grand Slam winners, perhaps plans for the celebratory t-shirts do not necessarily have to be shelved given the successful Grand Slam campaigns for the Under 20 squad and, of course, the England Women's squad.

For England's Women it was a sixth consecutive Six Nations title and a fifth Grand Slam in six years, which is some achievement.

Mention should also be made of the contribution of former captain Catherine Spencer, who announced her retirement from international and domestic rugby this week. Spencer racked up 63 international caps, scored 18 tries and led her country to four Six Nations titles and to the 2010 Rugby World Cup Final. And, remember, all this as an amateur.

Happy retirement!

Whoops!

6 Nations 2011 - Chumps

OK, hot on the heels of having given credit where it's due, here's a cold, hard and mostly unfair appraisal of those who, in my humble opinion, failed to pull up trees during the last 7 weeks:

15. Lee Byrne – now plays rugby in his plimsolls, judging by his inability to keep his feet.

14. Chris Ashton – re-defined wing play in rugby union (yeah, right) before proceeding to butcher chance after chance. Needs to grow up and lose the ridiculous dive.

13.  Matt Bananaman - not an international centre. Not even a centre.

12. Nick Le Luca – even less of an international centre than Bananaman. Actually, even less of an international centre than I am!

11. Yoann Huget – I know it served Ben Cohen well, but being a big lump simply isn’t enough.

10. Dan Parks – game changing substitute at Twickenham, the problem being that he changed the game in England’s favour.

9. Ben Youngs – harsh perhaps, but utterly lost the plot in Dublin when it mattered the most. Mike Phillips a close 2nd.

1. Andrew Sheridan – the strongest man on the planet but as delicate as a hummingbird with osteoporosis.

2. Ross Ford – handed off by Ronan O’Gara. That’s Ronan O’Gara. Nuff said.

3. Euan Murray – religious beliefs now mean that he apparently only scrummages on a Tuesday between 3.00 and 4.00 am.

4. Julian Pierre – what is the point of him, exactly?

5. Simon Shaw – so far past his sell by date that even the local corner shop would refuse to stock him.

6. Nathan Hines – in no way, shape or form is this man a backrow player

7. John Barclay – managed to talk Roman Poite into giving him a yellow card at Twickenham.

8. Sebastien Chabal’s Waxwork Dummy. Need I say more?

6 Nations 2011 - Champs

And so, time now for me to select my TOTAL FLANKER TEAM OF THE 2011 SIX NATIONS.

It's a selection with which, I'm quietly confident, not everyone will agree. Moreover the selection is made in the cold light of day, having sobered up but having not really recovered from yesterday's mauling at the hands of the Irish. Why I should still be so disappointed I don't know, especially when the majority of the England squad still looked so appallingly smug (as well as incredibly scruffy) when picking up the trophy last night. What I do know is that yesterday's match probably affected this selection (along with the '6N Chumps' selection to follow) more than it should:

15. I wouldn’t say there have been too many stellar performances from fullbacks during this 6 Nations but one man does stand out. Although Ben Foden was a model of consistency and reliability and Scotland’s Chris Patterson deserves an honourable mention, the standout performance was that of Italy’s Andrea Masi against France.

14. Many so-called experts in the press were telling us that England's Chris Ashton was "re-defining wing play" after 2 rounds. My arse. The truth is that he still has a lot to learn if he's going to get anywhere near the performance level of Tommy Bowe yesterday.

13. I’m not entirely sure what has happened to centre play. Even the French appear to have decided that centres can only be big, straight running behemoths. That’s why my choice, largely for nostalgic reasons, would have been Ireland’s Brian O’Driscoll in any event, but his display yesterday just served to underline what a fantastic player he still is.

12. So, of all the inside centres boshing the ball up the centre this tournament, who has been the most effective? Until yesterday (and this may come as a surprise to many) I had the best all round inside centre as being Shontayne Hape (despite his daft name and the fact that he is not even close to being English). The wheels came spinning off in Dublin, however, and I've therefore turned to Scotland's Sean Lamont.

11. The other wing position is a tough one to call. Mark Cueto has had a good tournament, and the sentimental vote would be for the retiring Ickle Shane Williams. Keith Earls has had his moments, as have both Maxime Medard and Vincent Clerc for France. For me though, Scotland’s most effective player, Max Evans, gets the nod.

10. With Scotland, Ireland, Wales and Italy apparently each unable to decide on who their no.1 fly half should be and with Francois Trinh-Duc suffering from the chaotic selections inside and outside him, England’s Toby Flood gets the shirt, despite never really firing following his achilles injury against France. The stick he's getting from a certain Sunday Times journalist is just ignorant nonsense.

9. Early in the tournament I thought Morgan Parra would walk this one but, like many of his countrymen, he was utterly undermined by his coach. Scotland chopped and changed, as did Ireland, and Mike Phillips had a tournament to forget for Wales. With England's Ben Youngs also out of sorts, my vote therefore goes to Italian rookie Fabio Semanzato.

1. France and England both produced scrummaging masterclasses on occasions and Tomas Domingo was his usual destructive force at loosehead for France. The most impressive displays, however, came from England rookie Alex Corbisiero who was chucked in at the deep end against the fearsome Italian and French front rows and most definitely swam. Even in the eye of the storm yesterday he kept his composure and scrummaged well and, again, the flak he's taking from certain quarters is utterly unwarranted.

2. Very good tournaments from England's Dylan Hartley and from Matthew Rees of Wales. However the one area of the French game that held up well was the scrummage, in no small part down to the ever durable William Servat.

3. For exactly the same reasons I'm going for Nicolas Mas at tighthead. That's a harsh call on Dan Cole in particular who had a great championship. Martin Castrogiavanni might also count himself unlucky, but he was undone by his failure to impose himself against England or France.

4. & 5. While the rugby press have been singing the praises of Scotland’s Richie Gray, I'm afraid I remain unconvinced. Yes, he’s a good athlete and gallops around the paddock getting his dyed blonde mop noticed, but he was also part of a Scottish tight five who were marched back at nearly every scrum. No, for me the choices are Bradley Davies for constantly dragging Wales onto the front foot and Paul O'Connell for winding back the clock yesterday to remind us of his excellence. England's Louis Deacon and Tom Palmer are unlucky to miss out but they had no answer to the Irish maelstrom.

6. Again, many have lauded the performances of Irishman Sean O’Brien, and it’s true that he’s a bull of a man and shows promise for the future. He does, however, have a way to go before being in the same league as countryman Stephen Ferris, for instance, and will need to add rugby nous and more of an end product to his game. Italy's Alessandro Zanni was consistently impressive throughout and Dan Lydiate looks the real deal for Wales. However, for an international newbie, Tom Wood was unfussily excellent (even yesterday) and therefore gets my vote.

7. It's a shame that there were no genuine "fetchers" on view this year, with teams electing to field a '6½' rather than a genuine '7' at openside. Until yesterday I though that David Wallace looked ready for the knacker's yard (shows what I know) but he was excellent against the English, while James Haskell was one of the few English forwards to stand up and be counted (rounding off a series of much improved performances for the Brand). The prize, however, goes to Sam Warburton who impressed throughout.

8. Despite a rather massive wobble against England, Sergio Parisse was his usual brilliant self and I can't really see beyond him. Honourable mentions also for Jamie Heaslip, Imanol Harinordiquy and Nick Easter.

There you go. Before yesterday there would almost certainly have been a few more Englishmen in the mix which just goes to show that it really ain't over until Adam Jones sings...

Six Nations 2011 - (Almost) Instant Review

Well, here we are again, another 6 Nations is at an end and here's a relatively instant assessment of each nation's performance throughout the Championship, albeit tinged with the disappointment of a Grand Slam opportunity squandered:

ENGLAND - although I still feel a corner has been turned, today it was simply boys against men. Grand Slams aren't easy to win (especially when you're English) and so it proved again. Lesson learned?

FRANCE - utterly chaotic, totally bonkers. Firm favourites for RWC 2011 in my book.

IRELAND - today rediscovered their inner Munster and will almost certainly be stronger for it.

WALES - decent individual performances, but they look a team that is less than the sum of its parts.

SCOTLAND - all they need to do is pretend that every opposition is England.

ITALY - a decent fly half and an 80% goalkicker away from being more than decent.